Surrendering
Image by Jamey Rabold
Hidden Deep
Hidden deep. Hidden dark.
Swimming in sweat through oceans of sand.
Hand reaches down feeling the way,
Only to discover it is the way.
I finally let go.
I surrender to the mystery.
And feel the fear.
It’s never far behind.
I allow it to penetrate,
Like a friend I’ve known forever.
In the distance, the woodpecker beats his drum.
I try making sense of it.
So I can belong.
His tap-tap-tapping so consistent, so familiar.
I wonder if it’s been there all along,
If I’ve been here all along.
Hello beautiful. It’s been a while. I’m so grateful to be writing to you again. So much has been happening between the gap, and as of late, I have been saying YES to freely dancing with the fiery, hot, passionate and creative energies that Summer brings with it. It has been a season of action and trying new things with a few moments of rest but not much for writing.
In addition to running our short-term rental cabin during peak season and homeschooling our son (which does not take a summer break), we also dived into building out food gardens, started our Cocoon Cottage build, and launched our elopement business, Nadair Maine. And none of it has gone in the order that Jamey and I initially intended it to go. Sometimes, the energetic frequencies have threatened to overwhelm, but I am much better these days at finding the balance between swimming and floating on the river, and it feels delightful! So much easier than forcing my way upstream which, for a good portion of my life, I believed was the only way you could achieve your dreams. Thank goodness for youthful energy, but I’ve learned that just because you can, doesn’t mean you have to. Even though I have managed to manifest dreams and desires in my past, I did it without surrender or trust. And the result? Driving solely from my will center which required a lot of force using more energy than I actually had. More often than not, this process led to exhaustion, burn out, and even bitterness while I also struggled with not being able to receive nourishment from other people or from the fruits of my labor.
These days I am practicing action AND surrender. Setting my intentions and taking aligned action but also surrendering to my dreams, to the flow, to other inputs, to co-creation, to ease, to time being suggestive instead of something to control. Through this process, I have finally embraced authentic energy flow and begun to harmonize with it instead. A couple of examples for me lately include:
1.) Surrendering to the idea of having any kind of committed timeline for the construction of Cocoon Cottage and letting that project float on its own river of time. And instead of needing the Cocoon Cottage to be done first, saying yes to opening our elopement business anyway.
2.) Being okay with only writing blog posts when I feel compelled to and not letting the fear of failure fuel old feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy.
3.) Building in periods of rest instead of convincing myself I must keep going until exhaustion tells me no.
Surrendering isn’t “usually” the way to build a “thriving” business, but that isn’t what this journey is about anyway. What I am offering now is something special coming from the deeper, more hidden parts of me. Meant to unfold in its own timing, this process of uncovering is very different from anything I have ever done. Success no longer equates to wealth or promotions or status. It’s not even related to what I “do” anymore.
Ever since building a nonprofit from the ground up, I have been experimenting with what is enough. How much money do I actually need to make? How can I separate what I make from what I’m worth? How do I create spaces where others can belong too? And how much is actually needed to live a lifestyle that embraces simplicity where instead of being “busy” all of the time, my actions include time to listen to the bees buzzing about the flowers and witness the dragonflies zigzagging their perimeters as night falls from the day. Where I have time to bake and cook nourishing food foraged from the forest or picked from the garden…and make enough to share with our community. Where we have time to build things with our hands and feel our emotions when they come up. Time to hear the subtle intuitive nudges that softly push us towards our dreams, and time to witness the deep beauty and wisdom found in the simple things.
I’m not there fully yet, but it’s where I am headed, and as I have leaned further into surrendering, the parts of me that are afraid have risen to the surface begging for attention. I am now choosing to see this as a beautiful thing, and creating space to unpack it. Our suffering can be an invitation, if we can learn to accept it, let it in, and give it the space needed to tell us our truth.
Today, I write from a place of inspiration and peace. Through gentleness, I am finding my voice in a slower, more organic, and soul fulfilling way and I’m letting the previous versions of “success” go. I continue to surrender to those deeper parts of myself still left to heal through my past experiences. And that takes time and the ability to forgive myself.
As the action of Summer begins to cool down, I am finding myself inspired to write again starting with this update. Through practice, I am learning to trust the process. As I continue to witness the events of the larger societal/political sphere around us as well as my own experiences in community, words have begun dancing and spinning around me again. I look forward to weaving them in time and sharing whatever is alchemized with you. I also look forward to listening to you and your experiences. And if you find yourself in need of a retreat into simplicity surrounded by the magic and mystery of nature, we’ve got you covered with serene accommodation in Midcoast Maine. And if you are ready to transition to your soul-aligned self, I offer support and guidance to start you on your path. Until next time.
